Why I Won’t Double Down (Again) at KFC

Okay, if you come out with a new fast food product named after a blackjack move, you’re going to get blackjack bloggers to try it. That’s for two reasons. First of all, we’re poor, so fast food is right up our alleys. Secondly, if we weren’t nerds for blackjack we wouldn’t be doing this. So of course I tried the Double Down sandwich at KFC. I mean, you could take a pile of dirt, throw it on nachos, cover it with a hot sauce that is dangerously spicy and call it the Burn Card and I would try it. Taco Bell even released a taco called the Black Jack and I tried that (which I regretted). So of course I tried KFC’s Double Down last weekend.

The new Double Down “sandwich” at KFC is great if you hate your body, have a grudge with your stomach and digestive system, and were planning on having an angioplasty, anyway. But let me start from the beginning. When I got home and opened the Styrofoam box, I was surprised. The Double Down wasn’t as big as I was expecting it to be. In fact, it wasn’t intimidating at all. I thought, Hey, I can do this. Famous last words.

Let me be clear about one thing: The Double Down is tasty. The fried chicken (sorry, I mean the FC) was cooked just right, with the Colonel’s secret herbs and spices, and that sauce they put between the two pieces of chicken has a good flavor. In fact, this is one of the better tasting meals at a fast food restaurant. But with the Double Down sandwich, taste is only half of the deal. KFC’s new sandwich hasn’t gotten all of this publicity because of its taste, but rather due to the absurdity of using two pieces of chicken as bread in a sandwich with bacon and special sauce that is probably also fatty.

All told, the Double Down accounts for 124% of your total daily allowance for fat, meaning that if it was the only thing you ate in the entire day you still ate 24% more fat than you were supposed to. The good news is that if the Double Down is the first thing you eat in the day, you probably won’t eat again for a while, so you may be okay.

Everyone is different, but I’m used to a low-fat diet. I prefer grilled food to fried, I pull the skin off of my chicken, I drain the grease when making tacos, etc. I just don’t eat a lot of fat. Therefore, I have a low tolerance for fat, as it turns out. I enjoyed eating the Double Down, but about halfway through the sandwich KFC almost seemed to be taunting my stomach. At first, my stomach was all bring it on but at the end it cried uncle.

I engaged in KFC’s gastrointestinal assault on Saturday and right now I still have a stomach ache. Part of me thinks I may be dying from a fat overdose. Is such a thing possible? I searched WebMD for “fat overdose” and also for “KFC” and “Double Down” and didn’t find anything helpful. I’m a little worried. Saturday night my wife and I had plans to go out, but I felt like I had been repeatedly punched in the gut, so instead I lay in bed watching baseball. My wife, who was smart enough to eat a salad, went out with her friends and saw a movie.

So if this is the last blackjack blog that I am able to write, I want you to know that it has been fun, that you should always stick with basic strategy, never split a pair of tens, and don’t try to count cards online. Also, I want you to know that it was totally worth it. I’m suffering right now and may indeed be dying, but man, KFC knows how to make a tasty sandwich. I don’t think I’ll ever try to Double Down again, and certainly not anytime soon, but I’m glad I can say that I tried it, kind of like climbing Everest or going down Niagara Falls.

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